Without Moral Compass

Welcome back dear reader. It's been over a year since I've posted on this blog. Many things in my life have changed. I'm no longer homeless, living with people who care about me and working at a car wash struggling to get back on my feet still.

Alright, so where was I? Oh yes, my crazy 20's, being promiscuous and getting herpes from a prostitute. Back then, I had no moral compass. I cared for nobody, except my grandmother. Even after getting an STD I didn't really change, except that I would always use protection so I wouldn't spread the disease. So maybe there was a slight change, but not enough to avoid the mistakes I made. I'm about to share one of the most memorable mistakes.

There was this young girl from the high school that fell for me. She introduced me to her mother, who approved of me (for her own reasons which you will soon find out) and I became her "boyfriend" for 2 weeks. I just went along with it because it was convenient. I'd go there to hang out, her mother would make these great meals and always smiling and welcoming. We'd make out, but nothing else because I knew she was a virgin and at one point she'd want more than just my hands in her shirt.

Back then I was very accurate when it came to young females, because to tell the truth, I felt that I was not good enough for females my age (or older).

At the end of the second week of being together it happened. As expected she wanted more. Her mother was at work, so we did it to Gary Wright's "Dream Weaver" song. As soon as it was over, I knew she had realized that we were not meant to be together. She broke up with me, I was a bit hurt but was fine with it and went home. 

Two days later I get a call from her mother and I start to freak out. Her daughter was not 18, so I thought "the mother must've found out that we had sex and anytime now I'm going to have the cops at my door".

Nope. Instead she was consoling me over the breakup with her daughter! Telling me that she was not mature enough to handle a relationship with me, that instead I needed someone more mature. We spoke for about two hours on the phone (no texting back then) and by the end of it, she was clearly flirting with me.

Let me repeat now, I had no moral compass. She asked me to come over that night, and I did. As promiscuous as I had been, that night she taught me a few things. That is not the crazy part. What I could not believe, is that she was being very... verbal, explicit and quite loud. Her room was next to her daughter's. There was no doubt in my mind that my ex-girlfriend could hear me getting busy with her mom.

I spent the night, and the next morning I wake up to hear them arguing. This is what I recall of it (may not be 100% accurate).

"How could you do this to me?"

"You broke up with him, you said you didn't love him. So now that I have him, you want him back?"

"I don't want him back!"

"Good, because he is mine now."

"You don't understand! he is too young for you!"

"But you were old enough for him?"

"It's not the same! This is wrong, he is my ex!"

"You'll get over it. He is my boyfriend now."

I hear a door being slammed, and the mother coming back to her bedroom (I was still in her bed) asking me if I'd like eggs and toast for breakfast. I said yes, and next thing we're eating breakfast in the dining room.

You'd think that after hearing the argument between mother and daughter, I would have had the common sense to leave, nope. I was too selfish. I could tell I had acquired a sugar mamma, my first (and not the last). She'd buy me clothes, give me money, pay for meals when going out and buy weed we'd smoke together in her bedroom. It lasted a few months. I would still have sex with the girls in my neighborhood, I wasn't monogamous. 

The arguments between mother and daughter would get more intense. It reached a point when I thought that if I didn't end things... their relationship would be beyond repair. It was one of the few occasions when I actually did the right thing back then (better late than never).

I can honestly say now that it did affect me, and that it took years to get Gary Wright's "Dream Weaver" song out of my head every time I hooked up with a girl that looked like the daughter. Still to this day the song makes me feel a little sad, like I lost something.

The only person who ever knew about this story was my late wife. I hope in the end that walking away helped mend their relationship somehow.

Until next time.

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis

Quick Blog Update

I want to be open and honest with you regarding a change on all 3 blogs I write. I'm homeless and getting work is not easy when you have no place to call home.  Right now I'm still recovering from the problem I have with my feet (mostly the left foot).

I've added a "Thank you for your Support" page to each blog and removed the front page donation widget. I'm not out to get rich or trick anyone into clicking on affiliate links. If you would like to support one of my blogs, you will have to click on the support page then decide if you wish to donate through Paypal, GoFundMe or through Amazon affiliate links.

You won't see banners or affiliate links section anywhere outside the support page. On occasion I may include an affiliate link to a post/entry but I will do my best to keep it to a minimum. I've used Adblock Plus for years because I hate unwanted online ads (even before I became homeless).

I would appreciate if you consider checking the support page if you wish to support this blog.

I'm mostly trying to focus on Amazon sponsored links and service/companies such as Lootcrate and Backblaze which also support one of my favorite shows online, Critical Role. If you have any questions feel free to contact me through my Goggle profile.

That's it.

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis

My Crazy 20's and another Deep Secret

Welcome back reader; today I will share the beginning of my crazy 20's with a secret that I've only told a few people in my life.

During the 2 years I worked with Lou, I picked up bad habits from him. Drinking, smoking weed and having sex with prostitutes on a regular basis became normal to me. In between deliveries in the middle of the day, Lou would either drive to a brothel in Manhattan or to a spot in Brooklyn with young street hookers at least once a week.

If that wasn't enough, the seniors at the nearby high school would pay me to get them weed and beer. What started as a profitable "favor" for a few guys, turning into invites to weekend parties. I was always invited because I was one of the few that could legally bring a Keg of beer (or 4).

Usually I was the older guy that brought the goods (and made a few bucks doing it). Young females would practically throw themselves at me during those parties. It started on weekends, then they started looking for me every day in the afternoon (after work).

I became very promiscuous, having sex at home while my grandmother was not home, or at a girl's home while her parents were away and even at a nearby park at night. I didn't care for them, and neither did they. I was just a hookup and I was alright with that.

However everything comes at a price. I had always been careful to wear protection (I spent hundreds in packs of Trojan condoms over the years). One Friday after work, Lou drove to a bar where I had one too many beers. He thought it was funny every time I was drunk. Usually he would have driven back to our neighborhood, and drop me off in front of the building I lived.

Not that night. He drove to the spot where he picked up hookers. Lou turned to me and said "it's on me buddy, pick one" and I pointed at a young black girl that looked very attractive. She got in the back of the van. I moved back and joined her. At the time, I was not thinking clearly. I didn't wear protection. If that wasn't bad enough, once I was finished and went back to the passenger seat, Lou climbed to the back and said "My turn".

I woke up Saturday morning with a slight hangover, not thinking about the hooker at all. That night three parties with more sex, beer and weed made it another normal weekend for me. Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday flew by. Every day after work I'd hook up with one or more girls from the high school.

I was 21 years old and didn't care, I was selfish to the extreme. Like the saying goes "Young, Dumb and Full of C*m". Until Thursday morning that is. I woke up half asleep and went straight to the bathroom to find that I had sores where there should be none. I got scared and called Lou right away. He then reminded me about the black girl we had been with the previous week.

I screamed "Fuck!" so loud that my grandma who was still home, asked me what was going on. I lied and said I had dropped my watch in the sink. Lou told me we were not going to work that day, that we needed to go to a clinic to have ourselves checked out.

Back then AIDS was a death sentence, and we both were scared that we had gotten it. He had used protection with the hooker but was still scared out of his mind. His wife knew he cheated, but to get an STD (sexually transmitted disease) would certainly end the marriage and she was the kind of woman that would've cleaned him out.

He drove to a clinic in Manhattan where we got tested (he paid for all of it). We had to wait a week for results. That week all we did was work. No drinking, no weed, no partying. I was too scared to do anything except work.

My promiscuous lifestyle lead to one of the scariest moments in my life. How would I explain to my grandma if I had AIDS? how could I tell her the way I had gotten it? I knew that if I had AIDS, that I would tell her; she meant so much to me that there was no way for me to hide something that important from her.

The following Thursday we went back to the clinic. Lou had a clean bill of health, the female doctor spent only a few minutes with him. My time with her was different. She asked me to sit down, telling me we "need to talk". Right there I broke down and started to cry. I thought I was going to die a painful death from AIDS like I had read in newspapers and watched on TV.

She tried to calm me down, knowing exactly what I feared she said "you don't have AIDS". I looked at her and asked if she was sure. She nodded. In that moment, I was relieved and happy to be alive. That didn't last long. She waited a few minutes then hit me with "you have Herpes". I had no idea what that was, until she explained. An STD that had no cure, a disease that I would have to carry the rest of my life.

I was shocked, repeatedly asking if she was sure there was no cure for it. Patiently she kept shaking her head. She then proceeded to explain that even though there was no cure, that it could be treated so I could deal with the symptoms. She wrote a prescription for pills that would help me with the pain from the sores and another drug to make things less severe. She said my body would eventually adapt to it, but that it could take months and even years to have minimal symptoms.

Walking out of the room with a long face, Lou thought I had AIDS, and for the first time I saw compassion on his face. He softly said "I'm so sorry man". When I told him I had Herpes, his compassion vanished and he laughed so hard that people started to stare.

He shouted "Dude, Herpes? Really?" making it one of the most embarrassing moments in my life. The day had gone from fearing for my life to knowing I had a disease which had no cure.

After that day, I never had sex with any girl without protection. Not only for my own good but because I never wanted to give anyone else the disease I had. The first year was painful, being "active" (with sores either in my mouth or elsewhere) one week every month. I didn't take any other medication after I ran out of the stuff that the doctor prescribed. I wanted my body to adapt naturally without drugs.

Over the years the symptoms have lessened and I've been extremely careful to avoid sharing the cursed disease with anyone. I wouldn't wish it on my worse enemy.

Back then I didn't tell any of the girls I slept with that I had it. I thought that being careful and avoiding contact during my "active" period (there is a pun there somewhere) was enough. Yeah, I was reckless, selfish and a total asshole. Considering the odds (I slept with hundreds of girls in my 20's) I'm lucky none got it.

That wasn't the only crazy thing I went through during those years. There was the twins, the daughter and mother situation, and more.

It's not easy to share things on a blog, secrets that only those who were closest to me knew. However this is a form of therapy, to let me deal with the homelessness I'm going through right now. I look back at my past, to remind me of the lessons I learned, to avoid repeating mistakes.

Until next time.

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis

Delivery Driver with Road Rage

Hello there, I hope you had a good day.

It's been over a week since my last entry; I've been dealing with some health problems which I shared in my "Homeless Journal" blog. I'm typing while sitting on a sofa, grateful to have a place to recover for a couple of days.

I'll continue my story, when I started working for Lou, a man that on a good day was generous and on a bad day was violent. It was between 1989 and 1990 when I became Lou's helper. Working for Jack had been a good experience and I had hoped that being Lou's helper would be just as good.

Within a few days of work I learned that whenever we had a letter or package with a time limit of delivery, Lou would do anything to get it to the destination on time. Going against a one way street, driving on the sidewalk, ignoring red lights, you name it, he did it. At first I was scared to even be in the van, but within a month I saw that he would always get away with it so I got used to it. 

He would be verbally abusive almost on a daily basis. Lou was a tall man, almost 6 feet tall and well built, back then I was a thin 20 year old. He would threaten people who would dare disagree with him and not even respect his wife's sons.

One day someone cut him off and he sped past the car and blocked it. He got out of our van with a baseball bat and began to hit the other car. The man inside the car was scared out of his mind. Lou hit the hood and the driver's side door. I was afraid he would hit the window and break it which could hurt the driver with the broken glass.

People started to gather at the sidewalk, screaming for him to stop. Two men rushed Lou and managed to disarm him. He began to fist fight both men easily, he was bigger than them. I heard sirens and feared that if he got arrested, I may also be charged for his actions.

I picked up the bat and threw it inside our van and had to shout "the cops are coming Lou! we need to go now!" hoping he would come to is senses. It worked, he ran so fast that he was a blur that ran past me. He started to drive away before I even had a chance to get in.

I ran at full speed after the van. Lou slowed down just enough for me to hold on to the passenger side door with one foot in the van, and then he floored it. Fearing that I may end up falling off and breaking my neck I begged him to slow down for a second so I could get in.

It must've been at least ten blocks before he stopped a moment to let me inside the van. Lou was laughing and enjoying himself while driving like a maniac. Within minutes we were far away and hiding in the upper level of a parking lot. He told our dispatcher that he wasn't feeling well and was calling it a day.

He boasted about what happened as if he had been in the right. As if the man that had cut him off had it coming. I had no choice but agree with him, fearing that not taking his side may get me hurt. Considering the man practically lived a stone's throw from me, it would have been a bad idea to upset him.

After an hour he started driving to Brooklyn, we were going home. Lou made sure to let me know "nothing happened today" if I wanted to keep working and stay in one piece. It was a threat which I did not ignore. I never mentioned that day to anyone else, until now.

Back then I was afraid of him, too scared to quit. I worked for him for 2 years. Over that period of time, I witnessed him get away with threatening people (including the owners of the business we worked for), breaking more traffic laws than I can remember and damaging private property.

Slowly my confidence grew as I became more of a friend to him than an employee. I would be able to talk back to him without any repercussions. Unfortunately I also became an accomplice to his actions. At the end of the second year of working for him, I would resent him more and more over his racist comments about Hispanics.

Name calling was normal to him and I had become mostly accustomed to it. However one morning he said something about my grandmother, I won't repeat what he said because it was disgusting. I asked him to take it back, to apologize and we'd be on our way to work or I would quit. Of course he didn't apologize, instead Lou continued to disrespect my grandmother. I got out of the van and shouted "I quit!" walking away. He called me a "pussy" and drove away at full speed.

I was scared for the next few days thinking he may threaten me to go back to work for him. He never contacted me. On occasion I'd see him around, but not once did we speak to each other.

Thinking back, I wish I had quit earlier, because I had picked up some bad habits from him. He introduced me to smoking weed, brothels in Manhattan and hookers in Brooklyn.

I lived near a high school and during those years I worked for Lou, some seniors from the school would befriend me so I could get them beer and weed. That would lead me into my wild 20's, a time when I became egotistical, more selfish and very promiscous.

That is all I can write tonight.

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis

Becoming a Helper

Hello dear reader, I hope you are well today.

I'm sitting at a Starbucks, remembering how sad I was when I had to leave "Chevy's" behind so many years ago.

Back then I would call myself "Andrew" because I didn't like my first name (Luis) and my second name (Andres) sounded like the word "undress".

Grandma and I had moved to our own place near Ave. M and East 17th Street by then. We lived in the 2nd floor of a small building (3 floors). It was a 2 bedroom apartment with one bathroom, a large living room and kitchen.

My bedroom was very very small, but I didn't mind. It was far better than the sofa I had slept on. We made friends with our neighbor upstairs. Funny enough the first floor was a real state office. Like in Peru, the front door lead to stairs going straight to the second floor. I never thought about that coincidence until just now.

We had a new home, and thanks to developing a fast friendship with our neighbor upstairs (Jessica) I got hired by her husband.

He was a professional carpet installer and needed a "helper". The job was simple. I would help him load the rolls of carpet from the place which contracted him, unload it at the customer's place and then coordinate to cut the carpet for each room.

His knees were in bad shape, because to install carpet he needed to use a device to stretch it out so it's flat evenly on the floor. The device required him to kick using his knees while on the floor. I also laid down the wooden strips and padding in preparation for the carpet being placed. I worked 5 days a week and got paid $5 per hour which was decent then.

Jack was a hard working man, but he was also the jealous type, many nights they would argue quite loudly. Jessica had given him 2 beautiful kids, a boy and a girl. The boy was Jesse, the younger of the two which was around 10 years old while his sister Diana was 12 years old.

I'd be trusted to babysit them on occasion. They were a unique family, with a large dog and exotic animals which including a very large lizard and a coral snake. I was always freaked out to see the snake in the large fish tank, and seeing Jesse feed it white mice.

Things slowly began to deteriorate which affected my job. Jack moved out and to this day I don't know if he decided to leave or if Jessica asked him to leave. When it happened we had already worked together over 6 months. After splitting with his wife he would pick me up every morning for a few weeks. Then one morning he informed me that he no longer could pick me up and that he had hired someone closer to him.

I understood and didn't take it personal. Jessica didn't react as well as I did, by then we were good friends and she was angry at Jack for firing me. She insisted that he let me go out of jealousy even though nothing was going on between us besides a good friendship. Jessica was a beautiful women in her late 30's that treated me like a little brother and I was glad to accept her kindness.

She did help me find a new job though. Through a girlfriend of hers that lived in our neighborhood, I was hired by a delivery driver. He was her friend's husband that worked mainly in Manhattan for an international company. His name was Lou, I totally forgot his wife's name.

My job was far easier. I would pick up or drop off packages or envelopes while Lou would drive like a maniac to get us to and from places. He was the most insensitive, crude and temperamental individual I even met.

And that was before the fist fight, and me hanging onto the van door while he was driving away at high speed.

I'll explain further next time.

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis

From Peru to a Night Club in NYC

Hello dear reader, I hope you are having a wonderful Halloween with friends and family.

Funny enough I had no idea that Americans also celebrated this holiday until I got to NY in 1987. I remember when I saw people dressed up and was happy to see that there was something in common between both countries.

To continue my story; I slept on the sofa for a few months. My Grandaunt's son Xavier worked at "Chevy's" in Manhattan. It was a 50's theme night club owned by a Latino. He was a Bar Back; in charge of getting the bar stations ready before opening and assisting bartenders once they were open for business.

He filled my application with bogus information and I became a dishwasher. I got paid every week with a check; Xavier got me a fake ID so I could cash the checks at a check cashing place that didn't look at ID "too closely".

Those were some of the happiest days of my life in America (before I got married). The bartenders shared their tips with bar backs and dishwashers so I was thrilled to get a bit of cash at the end of the night. Sometimes it was a bad night and I'd get $5 and some nights it was insanely good and I'd go home with over $50.

I was treated well, almost the entire staff helping me learn English, which I was picking up at a good speed. I must mention that at the time I decided that to learn the language at a fast pace. I would only watch TV channels and listen to Radio stations in English, avoiding Spanish programming. This somewhat alienated the family, I think they assumed that I was being.. a snob of some kind. I didn't care of course, their feelings made no difference to me whatsoever, except when it came to my Grandma's. She never criticized me about it.

Taking the subway from Brooklyn to Manhattan was always an event for me those days, because I would see the Statue of Liberty. For many years I identified with the statue, it made me feel welcomed in my new country. I didn't want to feel Peruvian, my entire life there was the source of all my pain and suffering. I wanted to be an American.

Working at the night club as a dishwasher I was able sometimes to sneak a few drinks at the end of the night. The manager never caught me, and the few staff that saw me drink, just grinned and smiled. I got away with many things during my time there. There was a door leading to the alley behind the club where the dumpster was. On occasion I'd smoke with a bartender back there whenever I could get away with it. Hint: they were not cigarettes.

About half the bartenders were female, and they taught me to be a bit more confident and social. They were beautiful, kind and always smiling. It was one of the few jobs where I had female coworkers that treated me decently.

Unfortunately my time there didn't last long, in less than a year it was sold to a corporation which wanted to verify all employee identity. Xavier had no problem keeping his job, I had to quit the first week it was under new management.

Well, that is all for tonight. Until next time dear reader.

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis

Home Depot takes me to New York

Hello dear reader, be at peace.

Today I've been looking back at my week. On one side, my Huffy Beach Cruiser bike was stolen, but on the other side an old friend from my past contacted me through Facebook and wants to meet me.

The bike was no big deal, it was something material that in time can be replaced; I hope it is put to good use. Meeting someone I haven't seen in 15 years, makes me nervous; a little afraid even. But there must be a reason God allowed her to find me.

So, back to the drug deal. Yeah, so there I was, scared out of my mind; frozen in the car hoping nothing goes wrong. Fortunately the deal was done quickly without the need for bullets to go through me. We then were on the move.

It took maybe an hour before I was told to get out of the car. One of the smugglers was talking to someone, and then both walked over to me. In Spanish the stranger said "Your grandmother sent me to get you.". It made sense, she did not belong here, dealing with dangerous criminals in the middle of the night. Sending a man was logical, and without a doubt I followed the man to his car.

I was safe, out of the reach of the smugglers and on my way to Chila, or so I thought. While driving, the man informed me that she was in New York and we were in California. She was on the other side of the country!

To say I was surprised would be an understatement. I knew she lived in NY but had no idea where that was until he explained it. The man was informative but serious. His spanish sounded weird, but I could understand it clearly as he did mine. He explained that it was through her local church that she had sent the money to him, to hand over to the smugglers.

Still confused I asked him when she would arrive, and his response was unexpected. She was not coming for me, she had no money left to travel and could not afford to miss work. A bit of panic crawled through me.

Questions flied through my mind. How could I get to a place so far without money? could I walk there? can I sneak onto a bus as I could in Peru? What if she doesn't want me?

Maybe he could see my reaction, because he said they would help me. When I asked what he meant by "they" he said "my family". Still a bit confused I just nodded and said "thank you". After a while we arrived at his home, he gave me a blanket and told me to sleep on the sofa.

I fell asleep fast, I was tired. In the morning the house looked like a palace. So nice, as if out of a movie. I could hear voices so I got up and followed the sound. Entering the kitchen I found the stranger, who bid me good morning and introduced his family.

Sitting around a table with him was his wife, young son (he must've been 12yrs old) and daughter who was rather attractive (she appeared to be around 15-16 years old). To be honest, they were polite, but I could sense they were not thrilled to have me there. I can't blame them. Chila had only 2 weeks to come up with a large amount of money, and then work out a way to get it to CA and get me to a safe place.

I still have no idea how she pulled it off in such a short period of time. No, that is not true. I do have an idea. She was a kind woman, always willing to help others. It was her good heart that would win the respect of others, and that probably was how she did it. Those who appreciated and respected her must have helped her.

I no longer remember the names of the people that hosted me; they gave me some clothes and fed me while I was with them. On the morning of the third day I was told that I needed to work so I could save money. It was explained to me that if I wanted to get to my grandmother as fast as possible, that I needed $300 for a plane ticket.

Back in the late 80's there was no Homeland Security, pretty much anyone could get on a plane within the states and go to any state with a ticket. I was told that the best way to get work was to stand at a certain corner early in the morning (so early that the sun didn't even seem to be out) near a Home Depot. Cheap labor. It worked.

The first thing I learned how to shout was "pick me!"; because every time there would be at least 30 undocumented people hoping to get work. On bad days, I made $3 an hour, on good days $5 an hour. Some work was easy, some was extremely strenuous and even painful.

I was so determined to get to Chila, that I had the $300 within two weeks. I wish I could remember the family that hosted me back then. 29 years have gone by; I hope god rewarded them for what they did for my grandma.

In what seemed to be the blink of an eye, I went from leaving a port accompanied by smugglers to boarding a plane to NY. Even though I was 18 years old I couldn't stop the fear of the plane crashing when it took off. I had a window seat which made it a bit harder to deal it.

My fingers became claws, holding on to the arms of my seat for dear life. My face was tense, I could barely breathe. It didn't take long for the plane to straighten up, allowing me to relax and thank God for it.

I greatly enjoyed the view from my window during the flight. When I was younger I had flown to and from Germany, but I could not recall either flight. I went through the same panic when the plane landed in NY at night.

When I arrived at La Guardia airport; Chila was there waiting for me, with her sister's son Javier. I was happy to see her, after all the years we had been apart. Grandma cried, telling me how happy she felt to see me again.

Xavier (one of her sister's son) drove us to Brooklyn; where grandma lived with her sister and her two sons. I slept on the sofa, which would be my place to sleep for a few months while I adapted to american life.

Those were easy days, a time I wish I had spent doing more productive things. At the time I had very little ambition. After all, I had dodged the bullet, literally. I was so happy to be alive and out of danger that I cared little about my future.

I was far from stupid, but neither was I wise or careful. I was selfish, careless and even felt entitled. My resentment for my mother, my hatred for Manolo and my mixed emotions for my half-brother probably were the cause of it.

It's late, time to call it a day. Until next time dear reader.

May you walk in the light of God.

Sincerely.

Luis